A Question To Be Answered/Blogged About Soon:

(taken from Danielle LaPorte’s “Burning Questions” Series)

This is a big topic. Western self-help spirituality is great at getting us to identify our patterns and ‘isms’. After enough how-to books, workshops and therapy we can honorably say, “I’m neurotic because of my mother,” or “I’m a selfish because I didn’t get enough attention as a kid.” But identifying the source of your crap is only half the journey. The other half is composting it into something radically new.

So, like, what if you CHANGED? Today.

What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

Let’s say that a really cool Fairy Godmother appeared by your side right this second and said, “You are whatever you want to be from this day forward! We’ll just forget about all the times you were less than your best, and all the dark and brilliant ways that you’ve tried to love and be loved. And that one time you were a little bit nasty, let’s erase that from the record. And while we’re at it, we’ll forget about all the times you got bumped and bruised and neglected along the way.” It’s over. Free. Nothing to resent, nothing to be bitter about. Clean slate. Go.

What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

ANSWER THE BURNING QUESTION:What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

Today is another chance to be stronger, to learn more, to live more, to be more than I have been.

Today, I can start everything anew.

Today, everything can be different.

Today, I have the power to make my life different than it has been in the past few months.

Today, I can stand up for myself and do what’s best for me.

Today, I can take one more step closer to being the person I’m growing to be.

Regardless of what happened yesterday, I now have today <3

Ex boyfriend turned Boy….friend.

People hold certain places in our lives in terms of relationships.

My best friends are the girls I call and talk about everything from how the weather is making our hair frizzy to the guy we ran into at the coffee shop.

Guy friends, gay or straight, are the ones we pry out male opinions. They tell us at the end of the conversation if the guy in question is just not that into you, if he’s good for you, and if you look hott in a certain date night outfit.

Coming to the main idea, there are few things more confusing and crazy than relationships, specifically the romantic ones.

Boyfriends, well, they’re the ones you bare all with (figuratively and literally). This relationship is the one that evolves the most under a much shorter span of time. You go from trying to impress at all times from the cute little dress to superficial conversation,  to becoming an inseparable part of each other’s lives. When things don’t work out and the break up hits you in the face, their memory goes into your brain’s relationship graveyard: a place to put everything to rest - buried deep out of your thoughts for as long as possible until you have finally moved on. (and maybe longer).

But what about the break ups that turn into friendships?

Is there a time frame set up by the dating gods in which ex’s are allowed to be friends? And then, what are the boundaries?

How do you keep yourself from feelings of attachment, letting any feelings escape their little place in the back of your brain?

Regardless of who is seeing who, who is dating and who isn’t…How do you get past the jealousy when you hear  your ex even casually mention a girl he went running with and wonder off in your head if she’s the girl who is about to replace you?

When is caring, caring too much?
Where are the black and white rules and guidelines?

And why does it make you go freaking crazy? 

It all goes back to a question that’s been around for ages… can ex’s really be friends?

Goodbyes are strange - especially when you’re unsure if they’re for now or for good.

I wonder what the world would be like if gender constructions didn’t exist, race was what a thing did in your running shoes, money in no shape, way, or form had any part in defining one in society, and a person’s heart was seen as the source of their value and importance at all times.

Was F. Scott Fitzgerald right?

Is the girl worth anything the girl who refuses to wait for someone?

I find that flawed logic in some ways, and true in others. Maybe some claims are contestable. Maybe there’s truth in the argument and the counter argument. Maybe the girl who is waiting is waiting because she has found the person worth waiting for.

In life, we’re taught to never wait around for anything or anyone and to grab life by the horns. We’re taught to take each day as it comes and to live in the fullest of the hours which we’re given. We’re told nothing happens by waiting. We take what we can from life to create the future in which we so desperately desire. You want to make a difference? Start now with yourself. You want to excel in something? Start now and renew your dedication to yourself and your goals.

As much as life is fueled by love, is love also fueled by life?

Are these two things separate concepts which cross paths?

Or, are they so closely related and follow the same principles?

Why is it that sometimes parents are so awesome, and other times they make you afraid to breathe because you might be doing it wrong?

Today, I resign from Christianity.

It’s a secular term, historically. It was a term used by those who did not follow the teachings of Jesus in the time when the church was first coming to realization. Christianity is NOT defined in the New Testament.
Being a disciple of Jesus, however, IS - over and over again.

I devote my heart and my life to the God who sent his son to die on the cross for me - who commissions me to LOVE; Love Him and others.

Christian can mean anything you want it to mean.
Being a Christian, and what that means, can change over time.
And actually, it has. It changed the minute Rome decided to make Christianity it’s religion. The Church is not here to further one’s power, but to  be a fellowship of people who follow Christ in spirit and in truth.
The church was called to love, and that’s something Christians now a days are not so great at doing.

A disciple, however is clearly defined:
a. One who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another. b. An active adherent, as of a movement or philosophy.   

Jesus’ philosphy? Truth and Love. That’s what I will live for. That’s what I will promote. 

That is where my heart will be.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up on Church. There are some great churches, and I’m proud of two, especially in the city I live in who are a good example of what the church was historically before the Roman and Orthodox churches. Church was a community of followers who would fellowship, hold each other accountable, study and live out the truth God has for us, take care of each other in a communal sense, and extend their love out to those in their community - helping the sick, poor, grieving, and so on and so forth.

That’s my Jesus. That’s my God. That’s my heart.

Goodbye, Southern Bible Belt traditions.

For once, the secret I’m keeping from everyone is totally a good one.

:)

Funny how the smallest amount of weight gain - even if it’s water weight - freaks you out. 

paired with the skin around my eyes having an allergic reaction to the eye cream I was using.

but…

NO BAD THOUGHTS TODAY, MOTHER FUCKER.

I think I fell in love…with myself (finally)

Recovery can seem like such an ambiguous thing at times, and I’m starting to learn it is a longer journey than just overcoming habits. This week, I put off dealing with the feelings that came from a break up and lived everything to the fullest with my friends. Yet, ED was still in the back of my mind the entire time.

Regardless of whether or not the person I was dating just a week ago says that the relationship ending had anything to do with me, I’m not so sure it didn’t.

For the first time though, I don’t mean it ended because there is something wrong with me. I kind of put all of my happiness and time into one little basket until the basket overflowed. Too, maybe we’re not as well-suited for each other as we thought in the beginning. It wasn’t an intense-long relationship, and so there isn’t much to go on pondering about other than wanting to see him at least smile when we exchange articles of clothes and etcetera that we have of the other’s and be able to admit that it was fun while it lasted. (because…he has a gorgeous smile)

Back to the recovery part…

Today, I spent most of the day alone resting from spending every day out and about, and every night at a different venue/party/bar. I was able to honestly talk to my mother about the problems I’ve had, the things I haven’t opened up about, and even being honest about my self harm.

This week, I’ve realized that no matter where I move, my friends and family will always be the first to step up and lather me with love, hugs, and fun knowing that I will always do the exact same for them.

I’ve realized that I actually don’t hate myself right now, and it’s the best feeling in the world. I even feel this with or without the attention and fun I’ve had.

I love myself enough to have been honest, vulnerable, and was rewarded with my mother at my side talking to the insurance company about my eating disorder, and the process for acquiring a true recovery team.

I love myself enough to FINALLY go and get that damn chantix prescription filled when I get back to Richmond.

I love myself enough to at least try to get past my eating disorder and reclaim all the passion in life I used to have.

The horrible thing about ED is that it takes all of your time, effort, and is never far from your thoughts - in the best of times and the worst of times.

I love myself enough to kick ED out of my life.
I love myself enough to realize associating any small portion of my worth to my flaws, failures, weight, appearance, people’s opinions, and so on and so forth, is only going to fuel the fire and keep me in this pit longer.
I love myself enough to no longer rely on people to validate me.
I love myself enough to treat myself with as much care and value as I do with the people I love in my life. If I don’t take care of myself, eventually, how many people I love or how many people are in my life, etc, won’t matter.
I love myself enough to do more than say or type words, but actually do. 

I love myself. It’s such a simple statement, but it means more to me right now and feels greater than I could ever describe.

So…. break ups. Those are fun.

List of things I’m going to do this week:
-detox
-liquid diet. (liquid being ah ah ah ah alcohol)
-work out lots
-tan
-shop
-get a new haircut
-spend time with my CHARLOTTE FRIENDS. WHAD UP????
-cuddle up to my mommy and watch netflix
-get an infinite amount of hugs from my daddy
-probably spend my entire paycheck. whooooops.

let’s do this. 

Hey life,

  There are a few things I’m uncertain about, but overall, thanks for coming back around to me and reminding me that you’re worth living.

It really means a lot to me.

My life is unique to me and my experiences are my own. I learn things the hard way, take roads with no air to caution, and do things my way. Flaws and all - I’m happy with who I am, and will not compromise for anyone or anything. I know what I deserve, need, and I refuse to settle.

I think I’m finding the happy medium between growing up and staying young, and it starts with becoming a healthier, self-confident, happy girl.